wwlw: what would lizz watch?

ABC got it right

2009-05-16T14:27:00.000-07:00

Better Off Ted has been picked up for next fall! Hilarious, brilliant show. So has Castle and Scrubs, though I'm curious what Scrubs will do without J.D. Here's hoping the Unusuals gets some breathing room too...

I heart Netflix

2009-05-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

Bride Wars is coming tomorrow! YES!

Woo! Weeds!

2009-05-14T23:17:00.000-07:00

Ollie and I walked through Weeds today, though only in that "house on my non-block is getting filmed" way. (It's TRUE: someone thought my dog was amazing... but not pay-the-rent amazing.) Anyway, judging by the street, Nancy is either back in the suburbs or TJ is wayyy nicer than we expected.

Ironically, my uncle walked in to what we believe is the fantasy and/or title sequence of the next (this) season. It was all filmed at Hollywood and Highland... the mall.

FUCK YOU LOST

2009-05-13T23:39:00.000-07:00

As I said earlier, it seems that Rose and Bernard are literally living the dream. Cancer-free, South Pacific island, rad yellow lab, funky 70s clothes, free Dharma food... it is no wonder that they essentially laughed at our "heroes" (minus Kate, the whore) when they tried to blow up more stuff... and called them out on the fighting each other bit.
Retired. Brilliant. Easily the best line of the episode.

Meanwhile and speaking of Kate the whore, there is no way that Juliette would kill herself over a look Sawyer allegedly gave that trollop. Even with the time travel and Daddy issues and becoming the other woman and then subsequent Ben problems... girl has ripped both dudes from Kate's succubus clutches more than twice. Plus she's hotter, funner, smarter and has made out with Angelina Jolie. Unless Kate is harboring some kind of Bangkok funhouse in her special area, there is no reason to go with her... and yes, I've factored in the magical Island push-up bras and non-stretched-out tanktops that survive hikes, falls and bullets.

Hurley and Miles made it out alive... I assume. I still think they should room together in a wacky 70s-era spinoff called "Dharmies" where they live as roommates in the Dharma camp, smoke pot and discuss string theory.

So glad to see Jack is not, in fact, Jacob. Also... so Jacob is a good guy? Possibly the best guy? The light to the shadow of Smokey? And was the dude that wanted to kill him pre-Smokey in human form? (Obv, post death Locke is the dude... does that also make him the smoke monster and if so, are Claire and Christian Shephard also smoke monsters?) Also: was that Jacob's guitar or was he just a DriveShaft fan? (I'd like to see him visit all the Losties... esp Charlie, Boone and Shannon... honestly I think he'd date Shannon for at least a while.) But why did he allow Sayid's wife to get killed in the hit-and-run? Maybe he isn't this "light" or biblical figure the boards are going crazy for. Also, as much as his buddy wanted him dead... I'm still not convinced that the not-blonde is evil, even if he becomes the smoke monster. (And isn't blonde.) Plus, we have no idea *why* he wanted to kill Jacob. He might have fantastic reasons.
(Also, he lives in the statue, not the Temple... so we can't just assume Jacob saved young Ben.)

I'm not ready to comment on the white LOST title sequence... mostly because I've seen the sky turn purple and life went on as usual. All I know is there is a big, big hole in my heart and TV schedule until 2010... and for that... FUCK YOU LOST.

FUCK YOU KATE, YOU DIRTY STINKY WHORE

2009-05-13T22:38:00.000-07:00

Team Juliette 4 eva.

I KNEW IT!!

2009-05-13T21:57:00.000-07:00

Bernard and Rose have been living with Vincent in the jungle. Literally nothing could have made me happier. OMG and they're retired. I love them so much!

True story: Before I had to make the LOST kate/jack/juliette/sawyer love quandrangle poll, I threw those two in as a lark. They beat everyone by almost 90 percent. The poll was only up for a few hours, but it's true... they ARE the best couple. Plus? They know how to keep a yellow lab happy. Apparently there's a lot of cheese and squeaky toys on the island.

I know in a few minutes I'll cry b/c someone I love will die (unless it's Kate... and then I will do a dance), but this made me *so happy*

Also: even happier than those jacked up theories about Jacob.

LOST theories

2009-05-13T09:41:00.001-07:00

Jack is an asshole.

Charlie should come back.

Kate sucks.

Hurley and Miles are the funny ones.

how i met your mother

2009-05-11T21:37:00.000-07:00

you got me! it's not sarah chalke!

Le Simpsons

2009-05-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

Brilliant.

Also, nice shout out to Jackie Johnson...

lost

2009-05-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person waiting for Locke to start making everyone in the Others wear robes and say stuff like, "I love the leader!"

Also, I totally called it. Sayid went feral.

I would also like to state, for the record, that Richard Alpert may be my favorite guy on the Island (especially now that Sawyer is gone).

OMG Ted Met The Mother!!!!

2009-05-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

And it's Sarah Chalke... yipee!

R.I.P. Twitchy

2009-04-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

For the record, halfway through the episode when they were revealing *so much* about Daniel Faraday, I realized he was probably going to die. Also, I think they probably wanted to kill him this episode but have a show about him last season, which is why they had so much so quickly. And poor Sawyer, he finally gets to lead an honest life and the Jacks of the world have to ruin it for him. Son of a bitch...

I'm guessing the reason Faraday's mom was so smug when she met everyone and told them what their journey would be is because she stole his book and read it. Also, maybe she remembers them from before. And... Widmore is Faraday's dad... Which just makes Eloise's "you can't marry Penny" thing to Desmond so much more creepy.

Also, if it becomes a mobius strip of a story, I'm going to become really pissed. Or if it ends with the island types figuring out how to stop the button from being pushed so that their future selves ride into LA safe and sound. I mean didn't we learn, essentially, in the first season that most were more miserable off the island? Will Rose then die of cancer? Charlie of heroin? Shannon of an actually abusive boyfriend? Will Desmond never see Penny again? Is Juliette doomed to a life of being the other woman? I fucking hope not.

p.s. My original theory about Richard Alpert, that he was a ghost, was nullified last night by his fear of Faraday's gun... and that Eloise wanted to protect him from her son. Christian Shepherd would laugh in your face if you put a gun to his head.

Another company I need to boycott...

2009-04-23T23:34:00.001-07:00

I promised myself that instead of writing long, arbitrary and unread feminist diatribes, I would use this blog to drunkenly write notes about this season of LOST... or at least other shows I'm watching. Unfortunately, in the middle of my sober Millionaire Matchmaker bender, I was exposed to an ad for Maybelline that is just sick and leave me dumbfounded and wondering What. The. Fuck.

Apparently Maybelline now has a product that will dissolve your pores. Or, at the very least, make you appear poreless. Like a Barbie doll or a Cabbage Patch Kid. Or even the real American hero, G.I. Joe. Or, generally speaking, any human-shaped object created from nonporous material. (So if you have a fertility doll made from igneous rock, not like that.)

I believe it is a foundation, though it may just be a standard chemical solvent that corrodes your skin until you are left with little more than muscle and face bits. The woman in the ad is literally CGI'd to appear to become some kind of soulless robot from the future. And though I know that skinless, gorgeous robots are our future, I don't need to be interrupted by this crap when I'm trying to watch soulless non-robot humans woo each other with blood diamonds and helicoptor rides over Las Vegas. (And seriously, why is that considered a fancy date? And why is it ALWAYS VEGAS? Woo, impressive... hotels and track housing.)

Plus everyone knows that Maybelline is crap. If they were serious about showing everyone how to have "flawless, poreless skin", the company would put out infomertials teaching teens and insecure spinsters* how to Photoshop shit off their faces before they posted images on Facebook.

Hurley has a blog!

2009-04-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

Jorge Garcia has a rad blog that is really funny and cute. He likes to post about his dog and food and vacations. Everyone should read it, but I think they already are. Anyway, here's the link: http://dispatchesfromtheisland.blogspot.com/

Miles!!

2009-04-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

Miles has been my favorite for so long... and my #3

1. Desmond
2. Shirtless Sawyer
3. Miles
4. Shirted Sawyer
5. Jin (only because he's married and I'm not a homewrecker, otherwise he would be between Miles and Shirted Sawyer)

Sawyer, Always Team Sawyer

2009-03-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

Ha ha. Jack is a handyman.

OOOH goodie a new LOST

2009-03-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Yay! We're back on the island! I am so bored with the Oceanic whatever. But you know that.

HOLY SHIT it's the statue. The 4-toed statue. And it looks Egyptian. Or at least pseudo-Egyptian like the marks near the Temple.

So Locke stopped the jumping... which was essentially caused by an off-kilter wheel.

And now we're in the 70s. With Dharma. And hash brownies.

LaFleur = Sawyer = Head of Security = The times keep changing, but he stays the same age. Alright, alright. Now someone pass me a Dharma beer. (Also: didn't we see a LaFleur jumpsuit at some point? Possibly on a dead body?)

So Faraday has discovered that the time shifts have stopped. Charlotte is dead as she didn't jump with them, which leads me to my current #1 question:

WHERE THE FUCK IS VINCENT??? If the light flashes and time jumps and horrible noises are hurting everyone, I assume the lab would be worse off. Where is he?

Miles is rad. Also, I think he's gotten grayer with time. Or backtime... Especially now that Faraday has just given up.

Did Sawyer just make an Airplane! reference??

Juliette is a fierce mechanic and a fiercer doc. Gia would be proud.

Oh shit, LaFleur may very well be Sawyer's real name! (Nope) And he's not *Dharma Material*

Bienvenue Richard Alpert! You have been missed!
(Baby Charlotte... eh.)

Holy shit. Sawyer's truth-telling is crazier than his lie-telling! And it works!

Holier shit. The head of Dharma is a dirty, sleazy hippie... just like the kind my mama warned me about. 5 bucks says he'll make you a mix 8-track of Grateful Dead bootlegs if you show him some leg.

Sawyer + Juliette = Hot, blonde babies. Oh how I love them so much more than any other combination... mostly because any other combination involves the toxic factions of Jack and Kate. Can we get a '70s Dharma Juliette 'n James spinoff NOW???

Yay! Sawyer got glasses that fit!

Double yay!! Kate's out of Sawyer's head... Dammit. She's so in the next scene.

GODDAMMIT. Kate still sucks. And Juliette is 300 times hotter.

Lunch

2009-03-01T10:35:00.000-08:00

None of you have been asking what I have had for lunch. Probably for good reason, I tend to skip lunch except when I'm at work. Or I have it at that 4 o'clock time that is between dinner and lunch and is way too big for an afternoon snack. Also, I can't blog from work. But I am eating lunch at least 5 days out of the week and it often involves soup.

Locke is dead like the mouse in my house

2009-02-25T21:46:00.000-08:00

Scince, Science, Art class. Notes on physics... Guns... Jerks I didn't care about in Study Hall:

Ceasar = Dude sorry about Locke's death from last week

Ana Lucia 2 = some lady

OH SHIT. Widmore was the DUDE. (What the hell does this mean for Penny????) (How do you go from being the Others leader to being the richest man in England???)

Jeremy Bentham! A Canadian philosopher! Love it!

REUNION '05?
--Sayid's building homes for the homeless. *Swoon*
--Walt, who is apparently now a cast member of Gossip Girl. (My mom thinks he's the best-looking dude now.)
--Hurley thinks Locke is dead. If I saw Oceanic Airlines guy, I'd play crazy as well. ****** (6 stars for extra creepy)
--Kate says no, blah blah I've been in love and you haven't now let's make out because you asked me a tough question and I suck...
--Peggy/Helen is dead.
--So is Oceanic dude, still won't get me to watch that FOX show.
--Locke wants Jack, who has subbeard... shorthand for functional alcoholic [thanks Win!]

Meanwhile, Locke's suicide note is so smug. Asshole. (In fairness, I think this of most notes and also and especially of Locke's -- as of last week.) And then Ben shows up and is creepy and efficient.

And deadly. What an asshole.

So Locke now has a messiah complex on top of thinking he's special, which will make arguing about Dharma peanut better oh so more enjoyable.

I think I hate Locke.

Notes On LOST Part 7

2009-02-18T22:10:00.000-08:00

I didn't write last week but Eloise is absolutely Faraday's mom. Also, in a world of smugness, I appreciated her interaction with Desmond...

Sigh, Desmond... Apparently tonight he is the voice of reason.

Meanwhile, someone still cares about Jack and Kate. Girl keeps passing out at shit moments. Do we need to save her? (NO!) Maybe. [beat] Woah, how did she get super creepy about Aaron? And why is Jack worth kissing? (All I'm saying is that if Sawyer exists in any dimension...) And then apparently they boned.

Speaking of bored (oh I guess I wrote boned before), Jack has some issue with his dad's shoes. Also... who is Sawyer slapping right now? Because I would seriously rather watch that, even in a montage. A shirtless, Sawyer-filled, slapfastic montage.

And then Ben's beat up. BFD. 30 dollars (American?) on Sayid. Or Desmond. *Sigh*

And meanwhile, at the bucher shop, Locke is only partially dead, at least that's my theory. Oh Fuck. Will giving him [Jack's]daddy's shoes give him [Jack's]daddy's powers and thus make him Jacob's dude and/or Jacob, himself?

Hurley is about to save the day. Or... others' days. xoxoxoxoxo

So now you're stuck on a plane with a bunch of people with whom you know you will crash... What do you do? Valium? Bourbon? Grow a beard? Nope... read Locke's stupid letter.

"Obligatory Postcard. Love, Locke." Did I get it wrong? If so, not by much. "Suck it, Jack." I think those were his exact words.

JIN??? In Hurley's van? Filling out a Dharma jumper like so much man meat... (Full disclosure -- I've had a crush on Jin since Angel. I never think men look better in suits and I dug him then. Working for the enemy. Apparently, again.)

You're Off My DVR, Jerks

2009-02-15T22:07:00.000-08:00

I have officially taken Heroes and the Family Guy off my DVR for good. I've been meaning to take the Family Guy off for awhile but tonight's especially crappy episode has sealed the deal. Heroes has been gone since they killed Veronica Mars... or didn't, I honestly stopped caring.

And note to Seth McFarlane: I know you think the Christian Bale / Peter Griffin rant was supposed to be topical and cute but only South Park can do it and do it well. Also, I haven't been able to watch your stupid show without feeling ill since I learned Manatees are behind the jokes.

More Tool Academy

2009-02-09T22:22:00.000-08:00

A lot of dudes have been kicked off since I started writing about Tool Academy. (Unfortunately, so have the guys in Bromance -- and I miss you all!!) Tonight (last night?) the douche bags (in T.A.)are getting tattoos -- tattoos that will forever brand them to be tools that were in desperate need of reform. Progress! Bonding! Needles!

My favorite part of this show is watching the men and women bond with their peers. Each defeated lady "loves" the "only other girls who understand her" (i.e. dating someone with frosted tips, an orange tan and an eye for other ladies with an abudance of peroxide and deficit of self-esteem).

Also, I sincerely doubt that the "counselor" is actually British.

LOST part 4

2009-02-04T21:34:00.000-08:00

Notes:

Sun got her gun in the same box of chocolates that my future sister-in-law gave to our family during Christmas.

I like Miles more and more... and yes, the fact that he carried a flask to the island is involved.

I had a sex dream about Sawyer last night. It has nothing to do with this episode, but was totally awesome. Also, I kept seeing his pic around the office today, and it made me giggle.

Meanwhile, still loving pill-loving/alcoholic/Jim Morrison Jack wayyyyyy more than sober Jack. Boys, for the record, Rock God complexes are still easier to handle than God complexes.

"Anybody for a Dharma Beer?" Yes Sawyer, we will meet again tonight.

TOTALLY CALLED IT. CLAIRE'S MOM KNOWS IT'S AARON.

And, apparently, Jack told Kate that Claire was his half-sister.

OH SNAP! LOST WRITERS: 422316150804, LIZZ: 2

(And the dad from My So-Called Life works for Ben... duh)

Okay writers, I refuse to believe Jin is dead. Suck it. (Damn straight I was right. Lizz: 3.)

Meanwhile, Jack sucks. And if they pull this dramatic irony shit with Sun taking Aaron b/c she thinks Kate is with Ben... No, no they will not.

Sacre bleu! Je pense Rouseau mais vive [French for again].

meanwhile, work made this and it's kind of funny:

Super Bowl Part Deux

2009-02-02T21:32:00.000-08:00

I was wrong...

How To Make The Super Bowl Interesting

2009-02-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

1. Fill a stadium with puppies rescued from local shelters.
2. Have the puppies play with football-shaped toys.
3. Throw a half-time show with kittens and glitter.
4. Have a parrot sing the national anthem.
5. Film said event and play on repeat.

Don't believe me, go to Animal Planet.

sometimes i do more than watch tv

2009-01-31T00:01:00.000-08:00

You're Catch-22!
by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of people.

Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

LOST part 3

2009-01-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

OK, so I'm not sure what kind of gibberish I was writing about last week. I think I was drunk on shirtless Sawyer... But Frogurt character did deserve to die from a flaming arrow.

On to today...

Desmond and Penny have a beautiful kid, which makes me think that Desmond and I will have a beautiful kid. However, I doubt I'll be able to get her awesome jeans. (My genes are fine, thank you.)

Also: Jesus, Desmond. Even I knew you were lying to Penny and not because of dramatic irony.

Richard Alpert has *always* been on the island and is very, very old. I kind of suspected all of that. Also, I want his face cream and mascaras.

Dude, Widmore was on the island in the 50s? Is that why he wanted the Black Rock journal?

(I'm beginning to think much of this is somehow related to WWII, like I did when they discovered the hatch in the first season.)

Neil, Neal Sucks

2009-01-21T23:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry, I was about to post about how the least deserving actor in the cast was about to vomit secrets and then... Well, Jonny Boringcakes... actually I totally forgot that a Clive Owen film was being advertsed.

Long story short... I'm quite unsure what the film is about, but **advertisers note** I will see anything with Clive Owen. Like ads for crap films.

Let's Look Back At Bush

2009-01-20T00:19:00.000-08:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Still loving you, Olbermann...

Tool Academy

2009-01-17T17:47:00.000-08:00

VH1 has created the greatest show of all time. A series of douchebags, a.k.a. tools, are competing for what they believe is a contest called "Mr. Awesome." Psych! It's really an "academy" to teach them how to be better boyfriends. How do you get into this prestigeous educational system? Your girlfriend nominates you... Amazing.

First 10 minutes:
Yes these guys are jackasses, but now I wonder a few number of things about the ladies:

1. If your boyfriend sucks so much that he has to go on a show for "reform" in order for you to date him, why would you stay with him in the first place?
2. Are you that lonely and/or incapable of being on your own? And if so, maybe you need your own "reform" academy.
3. Wouldn't you want to break up with someone who jumped at the chance of competing in an obviously fake Mr. Awesome competition? (I assume this is something already listed in the men searching for men section of Craigslist.)
4. If you suspect he cheats on you (yup, he does) and you already enlisted him for this reality disaster-slash-greatest-show-of-all-time, why would you start crying when he's rubbing his oiled up thong-wearing crotch in the face of another girl? Obviously you suspect he does this anyway.
5. Wait, you date someone who gives himself a nickname like Celebrity and then subsequently treats you badly... And you're surprised by this?
6. I thought everyone knew to stay away from the douchebag with the spray tan.

You dug your own grave. Or... you're super smart and are in a fake relationship for the money. VH1's money.

:15 in...
The reveal is pretty funny. Also, so is a fake boa made of fake $100 dollar bills to make you look like a baller.

Celebrity's girlfriend keeps referring to him as something called Terrance. Apparently he has two personalities.

:18 in...
I wonder which neighborhood of Calabasas they filmed this in. Maybe Sherman Oaks. Either way, I'm moving there tomorrow.

Tommy looks like Nick Lachey. That's not a compliment.

Another guy has a nickname. Mega. He has a girl for every day of the week. His real girlfriend told him to be Mega with Monday. Nice.

Mr. Glendale seems to be Mr. Money Pants. Won't marry his girlfriend because she'll take half his stuff. Already planning to divorce her. Rad. Also, according to California law, that only happens if you stay married and later divorce 10 years later. Smart and rich... and only across the river from me!

:28 in...
Anyone who uses the term party as a verb also needs an education involving books... specifically dictionaries.

The jackass self-proclaimed "Greek God" and his lady friend have a bad Midwestern accent that I cannot place. I hope it's Indiana.

:39 in...
If you're already at the Academy and one of the exercises involves putting together an IKEA bed with your girlfriend, the last thing you should shout is, "Let's put them to work."

The Nick Lachey guy is amazing. Tommy likes to break things and "you're going to like it too." He also threw a tantrum because "it's always about the job." Apparently he's the unemployed one.

Some guy takes off his clothes whenever he's happy. His name is Matsuflex.

I kind of love casting director for this show.

:50 in...
The guy who threw the tantrum and looks like Nick Lachey still thinks he's in the running for Mr. Awesome.

M.E.G.A. is taking the tool metaphor rather far. At least he know's he'll never be Mr. Awesome.

:57 in...
The Midwest guy lost. Jackass.

totally psyched

2009-01-16T23:40:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention Psych in my list. It's more or less amazing. Also, if Sean were real, he'd totally be my boyfriend. It's also super funny and smart. Once I saw Corbin Bernsen (sp?) at Whole Foods and totally dorked out about how rad the show is. You should watch it on Friday nights. Plus, going out is for dicks.

2008 in TV

2009-01-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

My friend Neal Pollack told me that lists are lazy. Ironically, I find blogging lazy. Of course, he blogs early and often and gets books so is probably less lazy than me. I? Anyway, since it's the end of the year (or technically the beginning of the new), I should do what I do best and judge others. Only this time, they're on TV.

LOST -- Yes, I now work for ABC and may send text messages for the show, but season 4 was easily my favorite... Or close to it. And in classic chicken vs. egg scenario, it had everything to do with my jumping ship from CBS.

The Election -- Normally, this show depresses the hell out of me, but it had the best ending that I've seen in, oh, 16 years. Plus it gave SNL, The Daily Show and The Colbert Report seriously funny material.

How I Met Your Mother -- The only thing I watch on CBS beyond Craig Ferguson... and since I quit working from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m., the only thing I watch on CBS.

Eli Stone -- Adorable. Goddamn shame a network be throwing away a perfectly good white boy like that.

30 Rock -- Honestly, I'm still trying to figure out where the line between Lizz Westman ends and Liz Lemon begins. (Though I am noteably less racist.)

Flight of the Conchords -- Even if this show wasn't technically on during 2008, I kept every episode on my DVR until the DVD box set came out. Then Jemaine went and got married... NOT TO ME.

Mad Men -- True story: Picture it, Emmy night 2007. I'm working behind the scenes at the press room and happen to ask one of Sopranos producers who was behind this amazing new show on AMC. Lo and behold it was Matt Weiner. He was nice and lovely and let me pose with his Emmy. I told him Mad Men was literally one of the greatest shows I'd ever had seen, and he'd be getting even more Emmys the next year. He gave me his number so we could do an interview and the rest is history...

That being said, I find it cruel that AMC runs the show on Sunday nights as it is impossible not to drink bourbon while watching, and (in my experience) a night of bourbon-filled 60s TV does not allow for a positive Monday morning. Hence... I saw it OnDemand, much to the chagrin of my coworkers and my mother.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia -- My dear friend Tony got me hooked with the simple sentence, "It's like watching Arrested Development for the first time, only they're even *more* evil." I know own the box sets.

Greek -- I first started watching this because they filmed it on the Radford lot when I worked at CBS and was significantly impressed by the pretty boy extras. I kept watching it because it's subversive, hilarious and smart.

Middleman -- So funny, so subversive, so smart. And yes, it's on ABC Family.

Pushing Daisies -- More on this later. Or check out the ABC site.

Sam Who? -- Very funny. Unfortunately I did not know this until I worked for ABC. Hopefully others will know soon too.

new year's post

2009-01-01T21:31:00.000-08:00

resolution: blogging is for jerks.

resolution: become dangerously thin

thank you keith olbermann

2008-09-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

and this is why i love anderson cooper

2008-08-05T13:48:00.000-07:00

earthquake!

2008-07-30T04:31:00.000-07:00

there was an earthquake in los angeles yesterday. i was watching an episode of the golden girls with roofis and oliver when it happened. kind of cool, kind of scary. once i realized what was happening and got over a half second of panic, i rode the waves (literally) of my living room floor. so i lived through a 5.4... now i just have to count down to 10.5.

lunch: nothing yet

i love you dr. horrible!!!

2008-07-29T01:59:00.000-07:00

I used to have a crush on Doogie Howser, M.D. Now I have a crush on Dr. Horrible. Why is this important? Both are doctors and both are played by Mr. Neil Patrick Harris.

Watch it here.

Or here:

The Irony Of Wearing Heels In New York

2008-07-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

Months later, I've finally seen the Sex and the City movie. I liked it, which stands to reason as I am both a girl and a fan of fancy food and drink. The clothes were silly, the apartments and restaurants over the top and well... all in all it was a decent means to escape my middle class (at best) life. I also liked the digs at Los Angeles, though I still reckon NYC is a terrible place for dogs (even tiny rat dogs).

Also, the movie reminded me just how much I hate Carrie. She is no everywoman... she's a harpie and a succubus and not even cute enough to pull it off (though I'd hike up and down mountains all day for those legs). Like every situation in which "Big screws her over," Carrie neglects to actually talk to her long-term boyfriend about the bumps in the road and ends up throwing crap at him after a casual misunderstanding. And honestly, if you knew your fiance had the cold feet, wouldn't know where your fucking phone was on your wedding day? Meanwhile, Samantha proved her stripes as the only one with any integrity (though this time said accolade proved to be frustrating and lonely) and Charlotte continued to be the unscathed 14-year-old girl playing dress up -- albeit with two beautiful daughters and a daunting husband. Miranda really showed her harpie stripes, though I did enjoy the joke that she and Carrie were girlfriend-girlfriend on Valentine's Day. And, though I've never seen her in anything else, that chick from American Idol was cute. Unnecessary but cute... and gave the city its first shot of color since Samantha dated that exceptional man of color in 2003... 2002? Whatever.

I'm going to give it an B+... and quite honestly, I couldn't have hope for a happier ending.

Big Props To Rabbi Darkside

2008-07-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

Apparently one of my fantastic rapper-slash-science teacher-slash-hunky Brooklyn-guy friends is now famous....

That afternoon, Linnea meets her MADE coach Rabbi Darkside, a well respected Brooklyn-based beatboxer. After hearing him replicate the jazz band instruments with his voice, Linnea gives it a try. But she more or less spits out the same sound for each instrument. Not exactly born to be a beatboxer, it's clear Linnea has a long way to go.

Oh right, because he was on Made.

I remember young Rabbi when he was just learning the Torah of rap, let alone schooling the others in its idiosyncrasies.

You should watch this because it's funny and Sam looks not like a jackass, but a nice beatbox coach. Heh.

the big duh

2008-06-30T00:51:00.000-07:00

I've been obsessed with Michael Ian Black since high school, back when he was the spokesperson for The State's "Sleep With The State Contest." In fact, Johnny Blue Jeans' guide to Las Vegas from Viva Variety has served me well on my travels. And I hated Viva Variety (mostly for not being the State)!

Anyway, he has a blog and it's brilliant. Everyone should read it all the time. I'm especially entranced by his entry on Barack Obama being black. The fact that I just found this makes me concurrently sad and happy as now I have something new to read, but could have been laughing in the middle of the night a long time ago.

Then again, I just learned about It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Well I just learned it's a show I should watch constantly and quote to everyone, especially if they don't watch it, so I appear to be charming and fantastic.

Lunch: yummy organic peaches.

why i hate florida and why i think every local news cast should include this story

2008-06-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

meanwhile, if you get the chance to watch the 30 days episode with the hunter that visits the peta family, watch it.

ABC, Are You Kidding Me????

2008-05-13T09:15:00.000-07:00

I just got a look at the upfronts and I'm terribly disappointed in you. Sure you took big steps in renewing Dirty Sexy Money and picking Scrubs up from NBC. But did you really have to kill Miss Guided and replace it with a reality show by ASHTON KUTCHER AND TYRA BANKS?? Miss Guided was awesome and hilarious and really smart... so smart, in fact, I didn't believe the Kutch had a thing to do with it (except for the ep where he played a "wandering educator," which was awesome). I don't even think there was a moment in which someone got kicked in the balls and laughed at... or if there was, it was AWESOME.

I can accept you killed October Road and Men in Trees (even if it puts my friend out of work). And even Notes From the Underbelly, despite its cute nature and clever writing, screamed mid-season replacement soon to be replaced. (Plus it got a decent final ep.) But Miss Guided had so much potential. Maybe ABC Family will pick it up? USA? FX? ABC Family? Oh yeah, and even though I'm glad you took up Scrubs, M/G is still way funnier.

The Expected Blog

2008-05-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

As How I Met Your Mother is one of my favorite shows and I've spent half of my journalism career in Los Angeles chronicling the actions of one Ms. Britney Spears, it seems only natural to write about her stint on CBS.

All in all, not bad. The original episode had Britney playing Abby, an essentially disposable extra-type that should normally be handed to an up-and-coming type. She was funny(ish), which I attributed to only the brilliant writers of the show. However, last night, she showed some decent chops as Barney's fake fiancé. Granted, Neal Patrick Harris did most of the heavy lifting and I was just glad to see Brit Brit not spilling her drinks and speaking in a British accent, but there were moments in which I laughed out loud. (Again, I attribute this to the writers and not Britney's acting as I did see Crossroads in the theater.)

However, though I always enjoy the show’s stunt casting, I don’t think even Ms. Spears should continue her role past last night. Sarah Chalke is brilliant as Ted’s girlfriend and I’ll always cheer when one of Allyson’s friends from the Buffy/Angel universe shows up and I won’t even mind when that guy from SNL plays a weaker business version of that annoying Senate character I always fast-forward through during Weekend Update in Barney’s quest for a wing man and I even liked Barney’s half-brother whatshisface.

So my point is this. As with everything, Brit Brit, quit before we (I) tire of you. Unless, of course, you get sloppy drunk/pilled out and they keep the cameras rolling. Wait, don’t do that either… it’ll take away from my job.

now this is a political ad

2008-05-07T02:13:00.001-07:00

self-serving promotion

2008-05-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

Maybe you woke up this morning thinking, "Gee, I'd really like to buy a basketball that has been autographed by all the Lakers in the midst of their 2007-2008 season that comes with a certificate of authenticity from the Lakers, themselves!" If so, I can help!

http://cgi.ebay.com/Autographed-Lakers-Basketball-With-Official-Team-COA_W0QQitemZ270233795430QQihZ017QQcategoryZ27268QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

bid early. bid often.

The New York Post Is Stupid

2008-04-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

At first I was going to write about The New York Post's article about the top 35 TV shows of all time and how they got it wrong, wrong, wrong... But then, as I went to their front page, I saw 2 amazing things.

1. You can win tickets to A Chorus Line AND meet Mr. A.C. Slater
and
2. Heidi and Spencer went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. OMG, and they brought the drama!!

Back to their real debacle... their list is crap. Obviously, this isn't their fault as I was not hired to write it, but let's use this opportunity to nitpick and mock.

1. THE SOPRANOS (1999-2007, HBO)
Sorry dudes, it's THE SIMPSONS. The Soprano family is tight, but the Simpsons have already covered your ground and then some. Plus, they're funny again.

2. ALL IN THE FAMILY (1971-79, CBS)
It's a very good show. It even spawned Rhoda, which eventually led to the Golden Girls. However, unless you're actually living in the 70's and/or understand Archie is an anti-hero that represents all the repression and hatred the squares had for the up and coming generations, most people don't get it. And Edith's voice makes me crazy. I'd keep it top 35, just not number 2. That goes to SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

3. THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW (1986-present, syndication)
Are you fucking kidding me? Not only is it a giant, weekday infomertial for books and home products you don't even need (let alone homes), but it spawned the likes of Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray. It's more like a monster that needs to be stopped (even if Oprah does do decent charity work... though never anonymously and never without its own show). I'd rather give it to Jerry Springer over the O, though THE DAILY SHOW is obviously the most important news program of our time.

4. AMERICAN IDOL (2002- present, FOX)
Hahahahahaha. No. 60 MINUTES is number 4, which amounts to 25 minutes per number. And it's not because I'm a shill for CBS nor CBS News... It's because this show makes me proud be a shill. Plus, it introduced me to my idol, Andy Rooney.

5. THE WEST WING (1999-2006, NBC)
I'd rather watch CSPAN. No really, I would. CSPAN can be really awesome, like when they show fantastic speeches by Senators or the bookwagon comes to town. All three channels are totally underrated.

6. MARY TYLER MOORE (1970-77, CBS)
I don't disagree, though I'd put it more like 8 or 9. I'd rather see the GOLDEN GIRLS ahead, though without Mary, there would be no Rose, Sophia, Blanche or Dorothy.

7. DALLAS (1978-91, CBS)
Too young to appreciate it, though I do know it more or less invented the cliffhanger. However, I did enjoy DYNASTY much more. Of course, if we're on the nighttime soap train, let's give BEVERLY HILLS, 90210 a shout out.

8. 24 (2001- present, FOX)
Never saw an ep of this either. Did see Kiefer Sutherland incredibly drunk at a bar near my house, though. Since we're at 8, I'm throwing in the GOLDEN GIRLS. And if you don't know why, you should watch it again on Lifetime (it's probably on right now! Or after that rerun of the Nanny!). Those women are filthy!

9. TWIN PEAKS (1990-91, ABC)
I liked it okay, I liked FREAKS AND GEEKS more.

10. SESAME STREET (1969-present, PBS)
Finally, they got something right! I don't like the new episodes though. Elmo is annoying and the kids stopped taking their llamas to the dentists. (BTW, I interned for the woman who made that short.)

11. THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JOHNNY CARSON (1962-92, NBC)
I never thought he was funny. I'd rather watch LOST. It's not funny, except for when it is, but it's addictive and cheap... like crack. In fact, I should make it number 1, but The Simpsons have been on the air a lot longer and I taught a class on them at Grinnell. BTW, I'll sell you a couch cushion for a series DVD set...

12. 60 MINUTES (1968-present, CBS)
Sorry, already covered this. I'm throwing my hat down for STAR TREK (classic). In fact, it should be higher on the list.

13. THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW (1948-71, CBS)
Bands were on it, I get it. But he was kind of boring. You know who else has bands on his show? Carson Daly. Oh but he doesn't get lucky #13. That goes to the BEN STILLER SHOW, which was first show in history to get cancelled and then win an Emmy Award. Watch Bob Odenkirk's Charles Manson impression and you'll understand why it's here. Also, it jump started (well, not really) Judd Apatow's career.

14. I LOVE LUCY (1951-57, CBS)
NO. This show is horrid. I understand that it's ground-breaking. I understand that it was needed at its time. But it's always on Channel 5 here and it's painful to watch. You want a strong female lead with amazing comic timing and a silly foil male lead? How about Liz Lemon in 30 ROCK. Yeah it's new and it's totally awesome.

15. LAW & ORDER (1990-present, NBC)
This show has been on the air for 18 years and I've never seen an episode? Huh. If I want to watch something about lawyers, I'll turn to ANGEL. He's immortal, hunky and fights lawyers on a day-to-day basis. Plus, TNT is totally running the ep arcs where he and Cordelia realize how much they love each other!!! They kissed the other day and I totally started to cry. Once again, pretty sure I needed a cry at the time but still... awww.

16. MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS (1969-1974, PBS)
This one is okay.

17. THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW (1967-79, CBS)
This too.

18. THE SIMPSONS (1989-present, FOX)
Since I already made them #1, it is time to pimp VERONICA MARS. She makes being tiny, blonde, smart and sassy actually cool. And she doesn't apologize, which is probably why she was cancelled.

19. SEX AND THE CITY (1998-2004, HBO)
Fair enough. The show had to make the list. I would have made it 34, but I'm getting sleepy and keeping it here allows me to take a nap sooner. I'd also like to mention that it's way better than THE L WORD. Not because I'm straight, but because for some reason, the SATC girls -- despite their ridiculous homes and clothes -- still seem much more realistic.

20. ER (1994-present, NBC)
The Post is justifying this show with launching Clooney's career. Maybe, but it's been on too long and it's gross and boring. Also, because of ER, Anthony Edwards never made an appearance in Revenge of the Nerds III nor IV. I'm putting UNDECLARED here if only because it's totally rad.

21. THE HONEYMOONERS (1955-56, CBS)
Hahahaha. Metaphors about beating your wife are *so funny.* And that's why BUFFY THE VAMPIRE is taking your place and kicking your ass.

22. MIAMI VICE (1984-89, NBC)
You know what is a good cop show about a black and white pair of crime solvers who dress snappy and speak the lingo of the streets? PSYCH.

23. SEINFELD (1990-98, NBC)
Fine, you can have this one Post.

24. GUNSMOKE (1955-75, CBS)
I think this was filmed on the lot where I work. Still won't make me watch it. I don't watch westerns, so I'm just going to say THE GONG SHOW.

25. ROWAN & MARTIN'S LAUGH-IN (1968-73, NBC)
Yup. This show was genius. Probably should be higher on the list, but I'm getting tired.

26. HILL STREET BLUES (1981-87, NBC)
I was on Hill Street recently. It was depressing. Lesson learned: Stay away from the Los Angeles Traffic Court if at all possible.

27. STAR TREK (1966-1969, NBC)
About goddamn time, Post. Seriously, you put a show that has spawned a million conventions and nerdathons as #27? Are you high? Or not high enough... In its place I give you THE GILMORE GIRLS. Take that people who are obviously phoning it in more than me!

28. THE X-FILES (1993-2002, Fox)
In this listing, there's a blatant space error. Not space-time, but copy editing space. I was not kidding about them losing steam. The show's good but THE TWILIGHT ZONE is way better.

29. THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW (1961-66, CBS)
This show was boring. You want wholesome family fun? Check out HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. It's not actually wholesome, but it's super fun.

30. SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (1975-present, NBC)
My god, these people are lame. How about another Lorne Michaels classic, THE KIDS IN THE HALL?

31. JEOPARDY! (1964-75; 1978-79; 1984-present, NBC and syndication)
I guess I should just be grateful that they didn't pick The Bachelor or Deal or No Deal or The Apprentice...

32. MOONLIGHTING (1985-89, ABC)
I really liked this show when it came out. It even had Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. But does it hold up to time? Not really. You want sexual tension? I'm bringing back ANGEL, if only because he turns evil when he finally bones his true love(s). Now that's romance. Hell, I'll even take JaM from THE OFFICE over these two, if only because in the midst of John Krasinski's fame, he's not doing obnoxious Bartles & James commercials nor starring in Die Hard.

33. MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE (1966-73, CBS)
Never saw it, but I'm afraid of anything that reminds me of Tom Cruise. I'm going to give this one to CHARLIE'S ANGELS, who proved that jiggling and solving crime were not mutually exclusive.

34. The Cosby Show (1984-92, NBC)
Fair enough, but if you're looking for constant moral values and overbearing, overparenting adults... I'd much rather watch FAMILY TIES. Also, Bill Cosby is annoying. And if they were so hell-bent on being pro-Brooklyn, why was the exterior of the home filmed in the West Village?

35. GENERAL HOSPITAL (1963-present, ABC)
My grandma really liked this show. Or maybe it was ALL MY CHILDREN, though I think it may have been both. I heard on NPR that captured chimps that have long since retired from a painful life of medical experiments prefer to watch this show if only because the people in lab coats. If I were let into early retirement, I'd much rather watch seasons 1, 2 and 4 of THE O.C.

Thursday Night Overload...

2008-04-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

All my Thursday night stories were back in full force this week and I guess we'll have to go through them in order of importance to my life.

30 Rock
Now, normally, Lost would get this spot but 30 Rock introduced me to a new word. A beautiful word. Business Juice. And like Liz Lemon, I enjoyed drinking my business juice while watching her become a suit. Also, I would like to thank the show for pointing out that animated stormtroopers and Tom Hanks are fucking creepy.

Lost
So after all this Ben may not be evil? And Claire's probably going to die in the next episode... (At least from what I gathered from the ghost whisper guy's foreshadowing.) Also, I totally called that Sawyer, Locke and Hurley were playing Risk. And poor, mourning Sayid. If only he had gone north and east past his girlfriend's house and into my own. Then he'd never have to be a contract killer. Also, why would Sayid's girlfriend live by Target? Inside joke?

Ugly Betty
Rad. Standard. Can't get enough of that Eric Mabius. He should do the whole show with his shirt off... Or I should go back to watching Season 1 of the L Word.

The Office
Ryan's on coke. Big surprise.

And since I didn't write it last week, am I the only one who thinks Jim buy a ring a week after he started dating Pam is a little creepy?

Scrubs
I know I watched it, but I can't remember anything about it... which either means it's the business juice or the episode was fucking boring.

Eli Stone
Yes, I know it's not on anymore. But I totally miss it, and last week's finale made me cry. I might have needed a cry, but it the drama of the dramedy totally worked on me. Also, I'm in love with that actor. You should see him on Craig Ferguson. I didn't realize he was sick boy in Trainspotting until Craig pointed it out. As usual, that man steers me in the right direction. *swoon*

the simpsons know

2008-03-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

miss guided

2008-03-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

i'll pretty much watch anything with chris parnell and/or judy greer, so miss guided was a given. (though i am hoping it will not interfere with parnell's role as dr. spaceman in 30 rock.)

and... it's awesome.

it kind of plays out like your typical high school nightmare -- you return to school, your nemesis shows up and you have to go to a dance -- only this time the protagonist is a guidance counselor and the mean, popular girl is now the mean, popular english teacher. (for the record my high school nightmares involve realizing mid-class that i've graduated. i try to leave and keep getting sent to detention. that or i forget to apply to college and have to stay in h.s. forever.)

or maybe ashton kutcher comes to your high school as a sub, oops "wandering educator," decides he likes you and derails your love interest (the dead ringer for mark ruffalo) and all the kids you "guide" -- including a typecast oversexed jamie lynn spears. sidenote: kutcher was actually brilliant in that episode and i usually can't stand him.

so, yeah, it's a great midseason show. speaking of midseason... greek is coming back! yay!

lost: are you kidding me?

2008-03-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

so *spoiler* that kid whom alex dates got shot. (no, not malcolm, though his absence would have made malcolm in the middle way more fun.) i can't think of a more disposable character to kill. even the shrink that shows up to freak out juliette has more backstory -- she's a neurotic psychologist! juliette was having an affair with her husband! she's another but afraid of ben!

there's no way rousseau died. she's so tough i'm guessing she pulled the bullet out of her chest with her own nails.

meanwhile, michael is ben's boat spy. and in the words of hurley, we knew that like forever ago. and the island won't let you kill yourself. but will it let you die? michael should have used his newfound powers to fight crime, not work for the others. also does the not killing yourself rule only apply to michael? what about pill-popping dirty jack (my favorite of all the jacks)? maybe that's why he couldn't jump off the bridge or od on oxycontin.

also, why is walt appearing to everyone if he's in queens or brooklyn or the bronx? i still want to know what happens to the kids and the tests they ran on walt.

oh yeah and mr. friendly is gay or at least gay on the mainland. lost's first gay character! woo!

lunch: shrimp tacos

happy st. patrick's day

2008-03-17T19:00:00.000-07:00

juliet kicks kate's ass

2008-03-07T00:38:00.000-08:00

best line of the week: "that rabbit didn't have a number on it... nevermind."

also it's good to see that juliet has problems with her shrinks just like every one else. and that she was totally thrown off by the whispering like ana lucia and, well, every goddamn person on that island.

but what's the deal with the children? where did they go? and what was that list? and how do you get on it?

also, as my friend pointed out, michael isn't shocking enough that locke would have to sit down. so i think the person on the boat is... a polar bear!!

yup. knut's defected and working for ben.

also, we get penny's dad is evil. but why is he specifically after ben? i assume he knows about the island from hanso's ancestor's ship log, but didn't his company also create all the products that the dharma initiative used? oh i get it, as ben killed the dharma crowd, whitmore wants payback for all the supplies the others stole... probably $3.2 million worth of beer, bread and pancake mix. capitalist bastard.

also: juliet was in gia and made out with angelina jolie, while kate only recently stopped advertising live links, a phone chat group for singles, in los angeles. take that, jack!

my road to financial freedom

2008-03-04T00:19:00.000-08:00

i finally got the lakers basketball that i won at the company christmas party today. it's been signed by all the players and even has a sweet letter of authenticity. this will finally bring me to that level of financial freedom that can only be described late at night on cable in front of a yacht and surrounded by many beautiful women.

how do you achieve such success? well, it's a 4 part plan:

1. get a job at cbs 2 / kcal 9
2. skip the christmas party 2 years in a row because you worked the night shift
3. become the first member of your department to ever win anything in 3 years at your first party
4. wait a very, very long time for gift to arrive
5. freedom! (and yacht posing)

lunch: salad

i'm 16 years ahead of the new york times

2008-03-02T22:14:00.000-08:00

i know this has nothing to do with tv, but i've totally skiied here. it was the best cross-country skiing i've ever done.

lunch: vegetarian tacos

desmond is crazy. crazy awesome.

2008-02-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

if anything goes wrong, desmond is also my constant. he also moved up above sayid in my trapped on an island scenario. sawyer still wins, but woo desmond. plus his whole life is like a constant twilight zone... and the most informative. now i know that excessive exposure to radiation (hello blowing up the hatch) will make you jump into the past or future if you are pulled off the island. or a rat in oxford. i also learned that the hanso foundation is related to the black rock ship, and penny's dad may have discovered information about the island way back in 1996. (or before??) also, penny and desmond love each other. awww.

but how does this fit in to the scenarios in which desmond kept going back to when he and penny lived together and he is eventually forced to save charlie? and why isn't charlie covering oasis tunes in the background of 1996?

and penny said she knew all about the island. from her dad? from the company? from the journal?

also, if excessive radiation exposure makes you time leap, wouldn't that also fuck up jack and locke if they left the island? maybe that's why jack gets all pilled up when he gets back.

lost recap

2008-02-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

sayid cleans up nice.

really. that's it.

i know everyone will want to talk about sayid working for ben, blah blah blah, but do we need to care about that when we got a succession of hunky sayid shirtless, sweaty sayid hiking through the jungle, rolling around on 800 count sheets, cleaned up sayid playing golf and speaking pidegon german? nope.

though i think it would have been funnier if he was working for cracked-out, howard hughes, pill-popping alcoholic jack who would have missions like "kill this guy i picked out of a phone book. where's my dad? don't question my beard. gimme another drink..."

and now the order is: sawyer, sayid, desmond. (jack got kicked off for being a self-righteous dick, though i do like him when he's all bearded and crazy.)

the strike is over! the strike is over!

2008-02-12T21:50:00.000-08:00

The wga called off the strike!!

Okay writers, quit your celebrating and get back to work. I need to watch my stories.

the strike is almost over! the strike is almost over!

2008-02-11T12:47:00.000-08:00

the new york times has a nice little article about it. unfortunately my stories aren't coming back as quickly as i would like.

if anyone is listening i want priority production on:
30 Rock
Ugly Betty
Lost
The Office

I'd also like to see a nice end to Scrubs, not some thrown together 3 episode death arc... even if JD is kind of annoying.

31 Shows I'd Bring Back During The Strike

2008-02-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

Entertainment Weekly asked its viewers which shows they'd bring back to fill the void created by the WGA Strike. Here are their answers, most of which are inevitably wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. This is why the masses shouldn't be given voice. And as I am a celebrated journalist (Elmbrook Middle School Journalism Award 1991, thank you), I have created definitive list against which all other strike-based TV lists will therefore be judged.

(Also, I have one more because I'm *that* much cooler.)

1. Veronica Mars -- I sent letters to the CW begging them to keep VM on the air. Apparently they didn't listen. Then I sent angry letters to the CW telling them I would boycott all of their programming from that point on. I guess this world isn't big enough for two sassy small blondes with crushes on Logan. Wait... that means I win! Suck it, Mars.

2. Angel -- Another amazing show that killed Cordelia. Sigh.

3. Arrested Development -- My underage crush is on Michael Cera. My at-age crush is on Gob. It would be on Will Arnett, but I'm literally afraid of Amy Poehler. She's small, but scrappy.

4. Andy Richter Controls The Universe -- When this showed premiered my mom asked me if my brain's fantasy world mimicks the show. Yeah, pretty much.

5. Daria -- My friend Jen and I started the Daria Fan Club at Grinnell. You needed three people to make it official and get school funding. We were the only ones. *Sigh*

6. Popular -- True story: I saw Mary Cherry at the mall last year. We were both buying underwear from the $3 bin at the Gap.

7. Charmed -- The last season was embarrassing. We'll just reshoot it and bring back Julian McMahon. Maybe we could just give him his own show about sexy doctors who have sex a lot... ooh and get that genius who created Popular to make it!

8. John Mayer Has A TV Show -- His music is crap, but the man is damn funny. Too bad Richard Marx threatened to sue if he made any more episodes.

9. The State -- "Why don't you try pants?!" 15 years later and it still hasn't gotten old.

10. The Ben Stiller Show -- I used to stay home in high school to watch this and would later use my press credentials to spend hours at the Museum of TV and Radio in Manhattan to watch old episodes. Fun Fact: it was Judd Apatow's first major writing gig. Also, if bringing this show back can keep Ben Stiller from making one more shitty romantic comedy in which garbage gets dumped on his head, my work here is done.

11. Beavis and Butthead -- The beginning of Mike Judge's brilliance.

12. Malcolm In The Middle -- The series finale made me cry and someday I intend to marry a Hal of my own. Also: they filmed the show on my lot. And then I could sit outside their trailers before and after work.

13. Futurama -- The movie was awesome but I still want more.

14. Mr. Show -- The Worthington Law of Economics essentially proves that because I now make more money than I did when Mr. Show was on HBO, I'm worth more as a human. And with this newfound power, I will set the wheels in motion to bring back this show.

15. Hidden Palms -- I promised myself that I wouldn't watch the CW after they killed Veronica... But this show had a bunch of actors from VM and the O.C. so I couldn't resist. Plus it was the perfect after work sedative on a hot summer's night.

16. Freaks and Geeks -- This is so obvious and amazing that it should actually be #3.

17. Undeclared -- True story: My brother was still in college when this premiered and refused to watch it because it was so true to life. It also started my crush on Seth Rogan.

18. The Swan -- You take 20 fat and ugly women from the fly-0ver states. You starve them, sequester them in the Valley and jack up their face so they look like the cat lady from the UES. Then you have a reveal in which each one is dressed up like a Brazilian transsexual and crying because, and I quote (each and every one) "I am SO BEAUTIFUL." And then, even after all of this is done, you still tell half of them they're not pretty enough to compete on a pageant on FOX. Whoever created this is a sociopath and a genius.

19. The O.C. -- Not unlike Hal, I expect to marry a Sandy Cohen some day. Also, the fourth season was amazing. If you don't believe me, check it out on SoapNet after Bev.

20. Sex and The City -- You know what they should really do? Make this into a 1.5-hour long special. Oh? They are? Neat. Now I can sit in the dark and eat popcorn and cry as I watch out people 15 years older than me destroy any daydreams I have left that enable me to keep a job and a happy social life.

21. The Golden Girls -- This show is filthy, just filthy. Sophia might be the worst, too.

22. Dawson's Creek -- I don't actually want this back on the air (especially since they killed Jen in the series finale), but I think it would be funny to put roboKatieHolmesbot back on the small screen. Plus Dawson was hilarious in Ugly Betty.

23. Six Feet Under -- Not unlike my plan for Charmed, I want a secret season between 1 and 2 or maybe 2 and 3... back when Nate wasn't such an asshole and still totally hunky.

24. Conan O'Brien with Andy Richter -- Just get Andy Richter back on my TV, okay?

25. The Kids in the Hall -- I don't know if we even need any more episodes of this show. What I do know is that I really miss my Kids hour on Comedy Central in the middle of the day.

26. Puppy Bowl! -- Someone I know (coworker, cousin, friend?) referred to this as puppy pornography. I then explained that was the whole point. Apparently, she doesn't visit Petfinder.org in her free time.

27. MTV's Half-Hour Comedy Hour -- I grew up on this. I remember when Drew Carey was racy.

28. The Idiot Box -- I think I'm the only person who remembers this show. However, I found it brilliant when I was 12 or 13 and am relatively confident that I may again. (Of course I had similar hopes for Alf, which the Hallmark Channel quickly dashed for me that fateful week in 2003.)

29. 120 Minutes -- You know what? This is probably a bad idea. Shitty fake indie bands like Fall Out Boy would dominate the program. Fuck it, I want The Gong Show.

30. Cop Rock -- They sing, they dance, they fight crime... all at the same time! Actually, when this premiered, I remember watching it in my kitchen, dumbfounded. But it still beats "My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad" or whatever other crap NBC is pulling out of its ass right now.

31. The Loop -- Hilarious, apt and awesome. Plus it has Perry Hilton before he became a star.

Puppy Bowl IV

2008-02-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

Early favorite predictions in the Puppy Bowl:

Jack and Mrs. Roper, mostly because they both look like Oliver. I'm stuffing the MVP (most valuable puppy) ballot box. Here's the full starting lineup.

Apparently I'm not the only one who is obsessed. Thanks for the justification, New York Times!

Meanwhile, here's another pic of Oliver, the real MVP:

lunch: spinach pizza with tomatoes

The Greatest Show In The History Of Television Returns

2008-02-01T20:23:00.000-08:00

Fuck the Super Bowl.

On Sunday I will be watching the one, the only... The Puppy Bowl.

If you don't know, the PB is essentially pornography for dog lovers. A group of shelter dogs play inside a fake arena decked out to look like a football field. And from what I can tell by the promo videos, the dogs are even cuter this year. Labs and beagles and boxers and french bulldogs and little white fluffy things that may or may not be samoyeds. OMG I see a puggle.

Ladies, you can take your Tom Bradies. I'm going to be watching tiny little animals from the water bowl cam with my very own puppy. (And leave Tom Brady for later in the night.)

More Lost Than Ever

2008-02-01T02:14:00.000-08:00

What we know:

Hurley drives an old Camaro.
Charlie is dead but managed to get a fancy haircut in the afterlife.
Not Penny's boat. (Yup, we knew that.)
Jack is a dick.
Flashforwards are more frustrating that flashbacks.
Desmond is super hunky. (Yup, knew that too.)
Jack needs a screwdriver to get through the morning news... and this is before he's all wacked out and suicidal.
6 come back -- Hurley, Kate, Jack, ____, ____, _____.

What I need to know:

Where is the Hurley bird that protects my buddy from bad decisions?
Why did Jacob appear to Hurley when he got lost? Or did Hurley just stumble upon his cabin?
Why didn't Hurley's family help him after the chase?
Who are the people that need Hurley's help and why did Jack dismiss that?

And the classics:

Where have Walt and Michael gone? And are they part of the 6?
Where is Jack's dad?
Why does Sawyer even bother wearing a shirt?

Jerry O'Connell Is A Brave, Brave Man

2008-01-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/3f716ffebe

This is amazing. Simple and beautiful. I just hope to God he survives this... Scientologists are fucking scary. And now that I know they're the only ones that can help you in a car accident, well, the Jerrys better make sure they have fantastic drivers.

I'd like to think that Jerry O'Connell was laying in bed with Rebecca and said, "I want to make fun of Tom Cruise." And then she said, "Awesome. And when you're blacklisted by the Scientologists, I've got enough money for both of us."

Lunch: spinach pasta with marinara sauce and steamed vegetables

Illegal Immigrants Routinely Burn American Flags In Wisconsin

2008-01-23T00:14:00.000-08:00

In honor of all the hilarious negative political ads playing in Los Angeles right now, I would like to show off my all-time favorite spot (no offense Willie Horton) and give a shout out to Mr. Wrong Kind... or maybe Paul R. Nelson. I've never been so proud to leave the Dairy State in my whole life -- especially if oil dependency is based on Packer appreciation.

BTW, that's a real Wisconsin accent at the end.

If anyone knows where I can get an Adam and Steve wedding cake topper and matching disco ball, please email me at lizzwestman@gmail.com.

Rest In Peace, Heath

2008-01-22T20:10:00.000-08:00

I wanted my first blog after I sold out to be about something funny and awesome and TV-related... (like maybe the strike would end and I could get my stories back!!)

Instead much of my day was consumed with the shocking news about the passing of Heath Ledger. I'm not even going to bother picking a photo for the page as if you're on this site, you already know who he is...

I loved him in the 10 Things I Hate About You. LOVED Him. (I think he was even my big celebrity crush for awhile.) And I found him charming in Brokeback, The Brothers Grimm and Cassanova. I thought it was dreamy that he and Michelle moved to Brooklyn and lived like normal people. (Even though such an act prevented me from moving back.) And was saddened when they broke up.

Anyway, I don't know the guy so it's not my place to write a non-AP fueled obituary. I don't know the girl nor the baby nor the family. But my heart goes out to all of them because I do know that losing someone is hard.

Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a Britney bonanza or a bag of money or (fingers crossed!) a secret 30 Rock.

Lunch: vegetable pasta.

I'm a sell-out

2008-01-21T23:31:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't noticed, I've added advertisements to my blog -- mostly because I want a purse that is desperately out of my reach financially and if I made money from a real job I'd spend it on real things like rent and car payments. And car insurance. And dog food. And electricity.

So I'm going back to reviewing TV shows with the intent of eventually purchasing this obnoxious tribute to materialism. Yes, I know it's obnoxious. Yes, I know it's made from dead animal. And yes, I know it will look amazing with my new boots.

so suck up the advertising because I need this.

Hurray for consumerism...

2008-01-20T02:17:00.000-08:00

Apparently you can create something called a wishlist on this software. In case anyone is feeling generous, I'm in desperate for the DVDs of Arrested Development, Weeds, Lost seasons 1 and 2 as well as the complete Angel and Buffy box sets. With the WGA strike in full swing, I should at least be able to watch the classics at home...

I'm not really sure how this is different from begging, but gimme gimme gimme.

lunch: 2 veggie tacos.

anxiety dream #57

2007-10-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

I had to go back to Grinnell for another year (it hadn't yet dawned on me that I graduated almost a decade ago). I didn't want to face my psychotic roommate, pack or leave my dog. However, my biggest and most appropos concern was what to do with my digital cable and DVR -- Did they even have my stories in Iowa? How will I fit it in the car? Do DVRs even work in the Nineties? Also, I couldn't leave it at my home / parents' home (it was a hybrid of my place in L.A. and their place in Wisconsin) as it would be completely filled and I'd miss my shows when I got back. And I was worried if I brought 8 hours of TV into my school life my grades would slip.

Lunch: Veggie sausage and a sesame bagel

I Went To The Emmys

2007-09-17T00:36:00.000-07:00

And I met Tim Gunn!!! I was behind him for most of the red carpet, which seems exceptionally appropriate for my first major event.

More pics here.

Blog here.

the death of hip

2007-08-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

August 22 – The Death of Hip

I learned that I was no longer hip today. I had suspected it for awhile. In fact, I don’t think I ever actually classified myself with the term, though I know some of my significantly less hip friends have. (i.e. This is my very hip friend Lizz who works as a writer for ___. She lives in ___.)

Maybe I had hoped by living in the right neighborhoods, the hipster factor it would rub off on me. But, honestly, for all the cool that Prospect Park, Wicker Park and Los Feliz could provide, it barely touched the void that growing up in the suburbs of Milwaukee had created – even with a pretentious liberal arts education.

I was almost enjoying the exceptionally hot weather as I walked my dog to the yarn store (ironically hip) and was overjoyed to hear they had a sale (fuck you, always cool). I bought many spools of yarn for 24 dollars (score!) and headed to Starbucks (see my point?).

After I got my venti iced americano (almost redeemable as I have a well-established addiction to caffeine and don’t have time for cool coffee shops that take forever and expect me to enjoy my drink instead of consuming it to stop the raging morning headaches), I headed home down a very hip street in L.A.. It was here that I came upon an exceptionally good-looking man holding a tiny little guitar. I asked him if it was a mandolin.

“No, I don’t know what it is,” he replied. “It has 12 strings.” (I don’t know what that means.) “My girlfriend bought it at a flea market in Paris, and I’m taking it to the violin store to see if they know what it is.”

“My girlfriend bought it in a flea market in Paris.”

I knew at that very moment that it was over for me. All street cred was left on the street. Not only had my terrible attempt at flirtation backfired – girlfriend, not that it was surprising – but it was quickly established that said girlfriend was way hotter, way more interesting and assumingly a better world traveler than myself.

*NOTE: I have been to flea markets in Paris. However, I was 13 and 14 at the time. This makes me sound rich, of which I and the IRS can assure you is false. (My dad was working there at the time and the company flew us out for the summer.) Also, I would never have the foresight to pick up an antique guitar/mandolin/French gypsy instrument of music. I would break it either after the purchase, on the trip home or while I unpacked.*

I wished him luck and went on my way, accepting my fate as a girl who may listen to obscure indie rock bands, but was honestly looking forward to an afternoon of knitting while watching old episodes of “Beverly Hills, 90210.”

countdown to the emmys

2007-08-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

i found out yesterday that i'm going to the emmys. this is especially exciting because it has been one of my life-long arbitrary goals -- along with getting a minicooper, writing a book and earning a phd. also, it may actually come true. i'll be covering the event for cbs2.com. hopefully i'll get to work the red carpet, be picked out of the crowd by a dashing actor or producer who will then immediately recognize my genius and ask me to work on his writing staff (cough, cough the simpsons cough ugly betty cough the office cough cough) and/or offer to put me up in his pool house provided i start working on my book and my tan in that order. and maybe he'll have an extra mini cooper convertible for me to ride around in because obviously someone of my genius shouldn't been seen in a 1993 corolla that is currently being held together with tape.

Where Did I Go?

2007-08-04T12:19:00.001-07:00

I've been living in 90210 for the past month and a half. It's a lovely place filled with all sorts of moral lessons. So far I've learned:

--don't drink and surf.

--don't drink and drive.

--bad people live in the valley.

--shoplifting is a terrible way to get attention from your absentee parents, especially if they're opening a mall in boca and you're home alone.

--if a girl shows up from minnesota looking for sex and tom cruise, it's because she got into a fight with her stepdad and ran away from home.

--if a girl gives you flowers in spanish class, it's because you were a gentleman who didn't maul her in the hot tub.

--if you went on such a date, you will be referred to has hot thang -- hot thang! -- by the anonymous campus d.j. and all males in the school will ask you for sex advice.

--just because your mom is the perfect tv mom doesn't mean she's the perfect real life mom. that means you, samantha sanders!

--andrea totally fucking sucks, even more than i remember. and she's from van nuys, reaffirming the valley theory.

--if you live in a hotel because of your absentee parents, you can impress valley folk by ordering room service and pretending to sneak into your own suite.

--you better pay your third world workers minimum wage or brendan will expose you in a scathing west beverly high editorial. and parents read that.

--biker shorts go awesome with jean shorts. and dresses. sometimes just on their own or with a bikini top!

--mom jeans with a button that says "no!" cost $150 in 1991. they may or may not come with a vest, though it seems everything in 1991 comes with a vest.

--don't assume the black kid is just at your high school to help you win the basketball championship... he might be there because his dad works at the beverly hills library and his parents wanted him to transfer there 4 weeks late from inglewood.

--don't steal your brother's car to pick up your friend when janet jackson cancels her concert. it will run out of gas and get stolen.

--if you cheat, you're only cheating yourself.

--your teacher who wears leisure suits may be preserving his dead wife's memory with each wide lapel.

--steve sanders at one point had a gpa worth saving. and he wanted to go to usc.

--just because you have a video camera doesn't mean you're allowed in a ladies' dressing room. (david silver's logic that it would work is astounding.)

--moms who are fun and into fashion are also irresponsible alcoholics that need a bump to get up in the morning.

--if you're going to be a drunken cokewhore, keep it to yourself. and for the love of god, don't offer to chair the mother-daughter fashion show -- where you will have an inevitable meltdown in front of everyone.

--if you want to hang out with color me badd, sneak onto the floor and buy the icky guy a soda. dammit, they're all icky.

this one i didn't learn at all, but andrea and kelly learned from each other --
andrea: kelly, you're the strongest person i've ever met.
kelly: andrea, i didn't know you could be pretty.

the greatest piece of mail the world has ever known

2007-05-03T02:33:00.000-07:00

i got something amazing in the mail the other day, easily the greatest piece of mail ever created -- a catalog from sharper image.

normally this would not be a remarkable event. normally i'd throw the catalog away. but this was different -- donald trump was on the cover, and he was hovering over a bevy of steaks. and not just any steaks... the world's greatest steaks.

apparently america's guilded man of gold has expanded his branding beyond giant buildings, golf courses, flags, reality shows and vodkas to dead animals. and not just any dead animals, but the best life has to offer, delivered to your door!

look for yourself:

now i may be a vegetarian, but i am not a sucker. the chance to get the best life has to offer at my door? that sounds fantastic. sign. me. up.

according to meatnews.com:

Trump Steaks are described as five-star gourmet quality—Certified Angus Beef brand USDA Prime. "Of all the beef produced in America, less than one percent qualifies for this elite category."

and seriously, who am i to question a press release published by the same people who advertise the classic book Sausage Made Easy?

so i've decided to place my order. i'm going with the connoisseur collection. it's $999.00 worth of beef. it was a difficult decision to make as both the country club and resort collections were also tempting (as i enjoy both country clubs and resorts). but in the end i realized, above all, i am a connoisseur. and if i'm going with the best life has to offer, i ought to go with the most of the best i can get. i can't afford it and the order may put me on the streets, but i trust mr. trump to never steer me wrong.

steer? get it?

well now i will. and in the mail!

What I Have Learned From Lost This Week

2007-03-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

The Dharma Initiative controls Volkswagon in addition to the Miami transit system.

Stale beer saves everything.

Cheech makes a shitty dad, just as I expected.

Hurley stories give me hope.

Yellow laboradors bring hope.

I Blogged The Oscars For Work

2007-02-27T07:28:00.000-08:00

And you can read it here.

an open letter to andy rooney

2007-02-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

dear mr. rooney,

my name is lizz and i also work at cbs news. i have three major talents: complaining, making fun of others and watching tv. i'm also exceptional at making dogs like me and consuming fine bourbons. because of these factors, i think we should become friends. in fact, maybe you would like to become my mentor. i can help you sort your cereal boxes and make sense of the dehydrated fruits and you can tell me stories about how college kids keep putting up naked photos of themselves on the internet and then turn around and have the audacity to complain that they can't get a job -- usually with places like the fbi or an investment firm. then we can laugh at how they won't have a problem working for hooters, maxim or girls gone wild. see? i can give you inspiration for your segements and in return, i can fill in with my own ramblings as need be. plus, i'll clue you in when a fake journalist like ali g. or borat shows up. let me know, i'll be waiting by the phone. it's a cell phone, but it works like the kind you dial. i don't like the idea of being able to be contacted at a moment's notice but it's actually cheaper for me than a land line as long distance is free. plus i can make it have different ringtones for different people. i didn't need help programming it, but i did appreciate the unneeded gadgetry. you'll be pleased to know that my pda is a book and a pen. harder to break, easier to replace. well, that's it for now.

xoxoxo,
lizz

today's lunch: water and an english muffin

oh... so THIS is why i drink...

2007-02-12T15:01:00.001-08:00

grammy recap: fuck the police

2007-02-12T02:53:00.000-08:00

it's not much of a secret that, like mark slaughter, i'm up all night and sleep all day. (unfortunately, my situation is not by choice -- i miss my stories, get everything by tivo the next morning and still can't lose my dark undereye circles, even with 80 dollar keihl's eye cream. not to mention that i'm physically incapable of sleeping in the afternoon, regardless of pill consumption. so if i'm slurring my words when i talk to you, it's because i'm really really tired and not because i just drank 3 bottles of wine.)

anyway...

the grammy awards were held tonight. and though i usually put them on the cultural relevance level of the people's choice or blockbuster awards or the montgomery burns award for outstanding achievement in the field of excellence, the concept of a police reunion was enough to make me consider missing my usual sunday evening tossing and turning (because i don't actually sleep… because, well, you try to go to bed at 4 in the afternoon).

sweet fucking christ am i glad i didn't make that mistake.

i love the police. sting was my first concert when i was 15 and my friends finally got their licenses and i could leave the house without mom and dad (who never took me to concerts because 1. it was a waste of money and 2. they didn't want to be "those parents"). i think i've seen him three times since. i own every album, barring the coveted police box set and that's just because i've been very poor for a very, very long time. Oh and barring the crap that's been made lately. Remember when they were punk? i do. And yes, i was 3.

so back to the grammys...

after reuniting in public for the first time in forever (fun fact: they put on an impromptu show at sting and trudy's wedding), the police chose to play their most overrated and overplayed song of all time. the song that snl buried over 15 years ago with an unfunny elevator sketch. (and it wasn't just unfunny because kevin nealon was in it. it was unfunny because everyone sings "roxanne" out of tune and it's always on the goddamn radio. and we don't need to hear it ever again.) even the misconstrued wedding anthem "every breathe you take" would have been better. personally, i would have gone with "synchronicity" or "every little thing she does", but who am i? just a fan with a lot of albums and apparently time on my hands.

oh and another thing… considering the police reunion was the biggest event the grammys had (no offense random girl who won a contest to sing with justin timberlake), who was the braniac show producer who put the red hot chili peppers on last? and californication? that song is terrible. absolutely terrible. not to mention that the rhcp reunite every time there's a sale on opiates and glass bongs down on venice beach.

of course all of this demonstrates my major problem with the grammys. anything good in music will be ignored by this musical academy until they're 20 years after their prime. maybe 30. (hey! the grateful dead won their first award this year -- congratulations, guys!) and mainstream crap factories get trophy after trophy after trophy. but, from what i remember as a music fan/critic/jerk, most real musicians (meaning the ones that make good music you might actually want to listen to) find a grammy award to be the nail in the coffin or at least the beginning of the end.

let's just put it this way – i have a feeling that john mayer, self-aware musical bullshit factory slash ironically hilarious writer, has his Dundee in a much better place on the mantel.

today's lunch: 6 shots of espresso and 2 apples.

suggestions in case mtv wants to pimp my ride

2007-01-10T16:29:00.000-08:00

hey west coast customs, i have an idea for you -- pimp my ride!

fix the dings and the scratches and the rust from my car. paint it a practical grey or blue or green or even off-white. as i am not a street racer nor a douchebag in a track suit and gold chains, any fancy airbrushing or fades would be wasted on my simple tastes.

upgrade and retune the engine to make it purr and run efficiently for another 14 years. maybe step that corolla up to be even more gas-efficient. BOO-YAH!

since i drink a lot of water and coffee, cup holders would be sweet. and a gift certificate to starbucks. HOT.

i park a lot on the street, so rubber bumpers would help me parallel in style. KICKIN'.
i watch a lot of tv. in lieu of installing a 42-inch plasma in the backseat, you could pay my cable bill for a year. RWARRRR!

i like to drive my dog around. ironcially, he hates cars. so a nice set of shocks to keep him from freaking out every time i go over a bump in the road would be xTrEmE. and maybe some kind of harness he can't wiggle out of to keep him in the back. (note: i've yet to find said harness. i've bought 4 or 5 now.) FIERCE.

since my dog is the #1 passenger in my car, but sometimes my friends like to ride around too, a dustbuster to grab the fur would kick ass. SMOOTH.

i like to eat breakfast, but don't own a kitchen table. maybe you could get me a kitchen table for my apartment. and just one chair. and maybe a couple apples from whole foods. not having to eat over the sink is TIGHT.

thanks pimp my ride!

today's lunch: water and a nap.

Fall Season 2006

2006-09-23T14:58:00.000-07:00

Here are the basics... I'm bolding the ones that already have season passes on my DVR.

MONDAY:

The Class -- The first episode was weak. I'm giving it two more chances. I really like that actress from Mean Girls.

How I Met Your Mother -- The only show I watch with a laugh track. But it's really good and actually funny and Jason Segal could read the phone book and I'd tune in.

Heroes -- It's got two chances to impress me. I like that blonde girl who used to be on Malcolm and as long as there is a network and two shows to keep Jess away from Rory on Gilmore Girls, I'll be happy.

TUESDAY: (The night I refer to as my "jam" -- as in "This night is my jam, yo.")

Gilmore Girls -- It starts this week. On my best friend's birthday. Lucky Jenna gets all the sweet breaks. Jenna and I were eating breakfast in my neighborhood over the summer and ran into the girl who plays Rory... while we were discussing plot points of the upcoming season. Normally I'd say that would be remarkable, but I'm always talking about GG and apparently much of the class lives in Los Feliz.

Veronica Mars -- Starts in two weeks. Jenna said the best present ever would be to have both shows premiere on her birthday. Well, I guess we can't get everything, can we... I spent all of last Friday in my pajamas watching my season 2 box set. I'm completely in love with Logan. That scene during alternaprom where he tells Veronica that their love is epic -- spanning continents, with lives lost and blood shed -- kills me every time. Joss Whedon said this show was perfect and he got a walk-on role. Granted, I never wrote anything like Buffy, but I also think the show is perfect and I'd make a great part-time student at Hearst College. And I'm way younger looking than Mr. Whedon.

I wanted to go as Veronica Mars for Halloween, but I'm afraid I don't have enough gadgets.

Nip/Tuck -- Oh Julian McMahon, the list of filthy, filthy things I'd do to you is long, indeed.

WEDNESDAY:

30 Rock -- I'll watch anything with Tracy Morgan. Also, a friend and former American Studies major is a part-time writer for this.

Lost -- I had a dream the other night that I was on the Lost island, which was incidentally shaped like Bender from Futurama. I'm so excited to find out what that severed foot statue means, I might wake up early and watch the show instead of waiting for the next day. I reckon the anticipation will be worse than Christmas morning. This guy I know has my first season DVD box set. Goddammit I want that back.

South Park -- Apparently starts its 10th season the same night as Lost. Awesome.

Laguna Beach -- I don't really like these kids. And I think, especially considering they're wealthier than me and know they're going to be on TV, they all have terrible hair. Not from a design standpoint, but from a fuck-those-are-bad-highlights standpoint. Also, they each seem to want to be the next Kristin C., which seems kind of hilarious as I think she's already a pop culture footnote.

THURSDAY:

The Office -- I like that Ed Helms is the douche sitting in front of Jim now. And that he went to Cornell and drank his way through. Too bad we all know Jim is going back to Scranton. I thought this season's premiere was brilliant.

The O.C. -- The O.C. is on thin ice with me. Let's just say I'm really really glad I didn't get O.C. tattooed on the inside of my wrist in Old English font like I threatened to during the first season. I'm glad they killed Marissa, though I am not looking forward to her stupid little sister taking her place. I think Marissa should haunt them in Passionsesque flashbacks. And then they should bring in a midget and a chimp. This show is in the toilet, might as well make it official.

FRIDAY:

Men In Trees -- Really cute. But not as cute as that guy playing Anne Heche's love interest / sexy biologist and nature man. Plus it's got that guy who was Parker Lewis' best friend and former troll from Buffy. And Emily Bergl, who went to my college. I've only seen 3 episodes and it has already made my DVR list.

Best Week Ever -- Classic.

SATURDAY:

SNL -- I can't help it. Plus my friend that writes part-time for 30 Rock also writes jokes here.

SUNDAY:

The Simpsons -- It's my all-time favorite show in the whole, wide world.

The Family Guy -- Ever since South Park made fun of the Family Guy, it's been hard to watch. But not watching it is even harder.

today's lunch: diet coke and palak paneer with tofu instead of cheese.